So your bundle of ‘joy’ has arrived into the world but inside you are wondering where the feeling of joy is? Becoming a new mum is one of the single most significant and life changing experiences a woman can go through. From the physical pain of labour and childbirth to the all-encompassing responsibility of keeping a tiny human alive and well to the altered reality of one’s freedom and independence. Millions of women have walked this path and found it challenging and a struggle at times. Millions of women are not wrong. It simply can be hard. If you are finding motherhood a challenge, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
In writing this post I asked an international network of women whether they would be willing to share a personal quote about their experience of becoming a mother. I am so grateful for how much mothers were willing to share. It is not possible to include everything here but the motivation to share highlights how significant the experience of becoming a mother is. Here are a sample of quotes from brave mothers:
“It wasn’t this instant love that everyone talks about.”
“For the first few weeks my husband was this incredible help. We were a team and I couldn’t love him more than at that point. I don’t know that changed but one day he couldn’t do anything right. Everything he did wasn’t they way I would do it. It took me a while to understand that because it isn’t the way that I do it then it is not necessarily wrong. But don’t tell him that!”
“Being told you can’t have children, you see new babies everywhere! You long for something you don’t have with such an ache it hurts, you feel left out, punished, angry! At last when it happens you question yourself, whey do I feel angry, why do I feel guilty, I need sleep, no one understands me, this little person was going to solve all my unhappiness! AND they don’t! You still love them, but it is not all roses.”
“All the routine I had planned for 9 months flew right out the window when we got home. What happened to just being able to grab your keys and leave the house?!”
“In among the anxiousness, sleepless nights and baby poo, I felt I no longer had the time or energy to do the things I loved which made me feel like me. Then I felt guilty because I felt a bit of loss when I ‘should’ have been all happy and smiles.”
“I felt overwhelmed by guilt for struggling. I felt I was failing at everything because I never felt like a good mother, a good wife and later after maternity leave, I felt like I was no longer good enough at my work. It was as though my confidence was gone and in its place was uncertainty and guilt. It took a long time to find my ‘new normal’!”
“I wasn’t prepared for how much my relationship with my husband would change. Our baby was a new person in our relationship and it has taken a lot of work, time and effort to find ways to feel like a couple again.”
“One of the biggest challenges is the pressure that society puts on women to do and be everything. There should be no negative connotations around having kids and working. Society puts a lot of pressure on mothers in particular to do everything and be everything.”
“Sometimes parenthood can feel like a constant judgement. Judgement from yourself…. Am I a good parent, am I doing the right things for the family, should I lose weight, should I have a spotless house? And from others… how you feed your child, is it too much or too little and the right foods, how much screen time you give them, how they behave. You’ll never please everyone so its far too easy to feel like you’re not doing it well enough!”
“Becoming a mother is like your heart is floating out of your chest, but kept tethered by your fears.”
“Everyone says having a baby changes your life completely, but I wasn’t prepared for how completely it would change me and how I felt about myself.”
Struggling with new motherhood is a reality across cultures, communities and ethnicities – this is something millions of women experience around the world. According to the World Health Organisation “Worldwide about 10% of pregnant women and 13% of women who have just given birth experience a mental disorder, primarily depression.” (https://www.who.int/mental_health/maternal-child/maternal_mental_health/en/)
So, while the fact that adapting to motherhood is universally a challenge, we can still feel stigma associated with this struggle. Such stigma can result in mothers avoiding talking about their challenges
or avoiding getting help. This can however increase the difficulty and their vulnerability. It can be helpful to recognise the signs and symptoms of post-natal depression in order to know when you or someone you care about may need some extra support. Some common signs can be:
- A sense of helplessness
- Loss of interest in things that previously gave you pleasure
- Being tearful often
- Loss of appetite
- Anxiety
- Feeling guilt and self-blame
- Feeling irritable
- Feeling sad or low in mood
- Feeling negatively about or toward your baby
- Feeling as though you are unable to look after your baby
- Struggling to bond with your baby and feeling no sense of joy in their presence
- Struggling with concentration and making decisions
- Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
This is not an exhaustive list but nevertheless, most new parents are likely to experience one or more of these symptoms at some point, and no single person will feel the same way. It is also important to note that a previous history of mental health difficulties before or during pregnancy or other factors such as being a single mother or financial worries; can increase a mother’s vulnerability to experiencing symptoms.
If you are experiencing a number of these symptoms persistently, you may be experiencing some degree of post-natal depression and you may be able to benefit from some extra support and/or using some strategies that may help curb the extent of your symptoms.
Some strategies to try:
- Mother’s groups can provide opportunities to socialise with other new mums and their babies and can help combat isolation.
- A well-balanced nutritious diet can help both body and mind to feel stronger and provide energy, especially if you are breast feeding and producing milk for your baby.
- Try to get as much sleep and rest as possible. Perhaps not so easy when one has a baby… some people manage this through support of their partner, family, friends and paid help.
- Exercising can help both body and mind. Although it takes energy, the benefits of exercise can far outweigh the effort. Exercise classes including your baby, such as mum and baby yoga, can provide opportunities for bonding with your baby as well as meeting others socially.
- Try to get out the house! Sometimes just walking out the door and going outside can help – being around other people and getting some fresh air can lift spirits.
- If you have help and support, taking some time out to be alone or do something you enjoy can be really helpful for relaxing and reconnecting with your ‘before motherhood’ self.
- Learning to say ‘no’ can help lighten the burden of responsibility mothers feel. When a new life is relying on you for their every need it just simply is not possible to do as much or be there for others exactly as you were before. Finding peace with drawing limits and saying no can help ease the sense of guilt we feel in motherhood. Such limits will not necessarily be indefinite, but having a few you feel comfortable with, can ease the burden of responsibility and guilt one may feel.
Whilst this blog post is intended to focus on challenges associated with motherhood, it is important to recognise that fathers too face challenges. This post is not intended to exclude or minimise this reality. If you are a mother reading this post, or are concerned for a mother you know, and you feel access to professional support would be helpful, we at Elephant Therapy & Counselling would be happy to support you or your love one.
